Original article first published in 2020. Aoife Drury's quotations reflect that conversation.

Sex toys can be part of solo or partnered pleasure. Some people enjoy them; others do not want to use them. Psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury discusses shame, curiosity and talking about toys.

“Sex toys are a great way to explore your body and what it enjoys,” says psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury. “The process of understanding how you can bring your body pleasure is an incredibly empowering experience, and toys allow you to uncover a lot more than your fingers do.”

Talking about stigma

Aoife describes some of the beliefs that can make conversations about toys difficult:

“There’s the belief that using a sex toy means your partner isn’t a good enough lover. But perhaps, more than anything, there is poor sex education. The vulva and vagina are complex and intrinsic pieces of anatomy, so education surrounding the pleasurable aspects can be left out - dare I say avoided. This lack of knowledge leads to misunderstanding, bias and stigma.”

Using toys with a partner

Toys can offer a different kind of contact if both people want to try them. Ask rather than assume that a partner is interested.

“Sex toys present novel ways of being intimate. They can facilitate a wider way of connecting sexually. They also can provide some fun and excitement that may be different and fresh,” reveals Aoife.

Before using a toy together, discuss the activity, boundaries and how either person can stop. Aoife says:

“Always have an open, honest and sober conversation. If you decide to bring toys in, bring them in together. Try to make it a fun and connecting experience and make sure that you are both enjoying them.”

Choosing a first toy

Compare the kind of contact you want, the shape and the controls. Aoife's starting advice was:

“Don’t overwhelm yourself. A basic toy, like a wand or a bullet, is the easiest way to begin. See how you feel, find out what you like and what you don’t. And don’t worry about whether you’re doing it the ‘right way’, start by just doing what feels good!”

Read the toy's instructions and check its lubricant and cleaning requirements. Our beginner toy guide explains what to compare.

Originally written by Claire Blackmore. Editorial framing updated by Gal Pal in October 2026.