Mismatched libidos means partners want sexual contact at different frequencies or times. One person might often want sex while another rarely does. You might both want it, but at times that seldom overlap. The useful starting point is understanding what each person wants, rather than deciding which level of desire is correct.
Differences can be frustrating, particularly if conversations have become tense. Being able to talk honestly matters, and so does each person's freedom to decline sexual contact. A higher level of desire does not create an entitlement to sex; a lower level does not mean someone has to provide a medical explanation for saying no.
Get specific about the difference
'We never have sex' can mean several things. Do you miss touch, orgasms together, feeling wanted or a particular activity? Is your partner interested in sex at another time, or interested in a different kind of contact?
Ask each other outside a moment of initiation or rejection. You could say: 'I miss being sexual together, and I'd like to understand what feels appealing to you at the moment.' Give both people time to answer.
Women and queer couples can have these differences too. Shared gender or a close emotional relationship does not mean partners will have matching preferences. Avoid assuming that the person who initiates less must be less attracted to their partner.
Separate affection from an expectation of sex
If every kiss seems to lead to another request, someone who wants less sex may begin avoiding kisses as well. Discuss which forms of affection you both welcome without an expectation to continue.
For example: 'I'd like us to cuddle, but I don't want sexual touch tonight.' The other person can decide whether a cuddle is something they want too. Clear boundaries make the immediate choice easier to understand.
Some people notice desire developing during welcome affection. Others do not. The term responsive desire can describe that first experience, but it must never become a reason to keep going after someone has declined.
Consider what else has changed
Sleep, stress, health, pain, medication and the relationship can affect desire. Ask whether the difference is longstanding or recent, and whether either person is bothered by a change in their own experience.
If everyday responsibilities leave one person exhausted, discuss the responsibilities themselves. Redistributing work should be about a fairer household, rather than a trade for sex. Our mental load and libido article looks at this in more detail.
Our hormones and libido guide covers some health-related questions. A new toy may be enjoyable if you both want one, but buying something cannot resolve unwanted touch, relationship conflict or painful sex.
Agree on something you both want
You could set aside time for a date or conversation, while being clear that sex is optional. If sexual touch is welcome to both of you, talk about what that might include. Penetration, toys and orgasm do not have to be part of every experience.
Solo masturbation may also be something to discuss, especially if you have different expectations about privacy or shared toys. Be clear about your agreements without monitoring one another's bodies.
Return to the conversation after a little time. Ask what has become easier and what remains difficult. If you cannot discuss the difference without blame or pressure, a qualified relationship or psychosexual therapist may help.
Common questions
Does a mismatch mean the relationship cannot work?
The label alone cannot answer that. What matters includes your individual needs, how you treat each other and whether any arrangements are acceptable to both of you.
Should we agree on a weekly number?
A schedule is only useful if both people freely want it. An agreed number never removes anyone's right to decline on the day.
When is a GP appointment useful?
Seek advice if a change in desire worries you, follows a medication change or comes with pain or other symptoms. Relationship support and medical care can address different parts of the situation.
